Why your disregulation rules your world...
... and nervous system regulation and polyvagal theory matters and is not just a hype
It is only recently that I discovered the amazing Lauren Geertsen at truth activist. And her latest post makes my fingers itch for the first time in so long, so I thought I expand a bit upon it and revive my Substack.
Because, really, this last year I did not feel like posting. I just found it too depressing, how the world got “back to normal” and most people were acting as if all were fine again, disregarding the blatant harm which has been caused literally everywhere. And still there is no open talking about what happened. For me the chasm between how society acts and what I am feeling is a deep societal trauma widens all the time.
My personal approach was to withdraw from the world and concentrate on my own little world - doing lots of somatic therapy, following a core energetic course with Bellein Academy in the Netherlands, and diving deeper on nervous system regulation, as well as following the postpartum care course with Innate traditions. With the deep feeling that with all that is coming up, what I need is being anchored in the here and now, in my community, and first and foremost in my own body and my instinct - I need to trust myself. And love myself, take care of myself and resource myself big time. And, as important as the work of all the truth warriors out there is, it felt like raging against the three monkeys with their eyes, ears and mouth closed, and I grew tired of it because it seemed not to yield much, on societal level.
Also, working on myself, it takes so much energy and courage. I’ve cried more tears and raged more than anytime before in my life, and especially there is so much grief coming up these days, about how things went and that I did not know how to be there for the little girl inside me. But things are aligning, and I can carry myself more and more, especially my little girl who was so alone and so scared for so long.
So when today I discovered Lauren’s video “Facts won't fix brainwashing... but THIS Will“, so much rang true, and at the same time puzzle pieces were missing. So go, listen to it, it’s 12 min very well spent (and you get two book recommendations - I straightaway ordered one of them!).
So, absolutely yes that brainwashed people are not open to facts. This drove me batshit crazy during Covid times when the truth was staring us all in the face and “they" steadfastly denied that it was happening and clung to what they were convinced the truth was. So yes, as the brainwashing has happened on the level of the intellect, we cannot combat it on the level of the intellect:
We need to move to another plane, namely the heart plane and again and again decide to keep our heart open for others. Whether you want to call it “to let God’s love flow through unimpeded” as Lauren suggests, or whether you do it to stay connected to your own liveliness, and keep reaching out in line with your desire to be in connection, instead of withdrawing and closing yourself off, obstinately following a little-child vow of “never will I reach out and be hurt again” - thus choosing connection for your own sake (even at the risk of being hurt once in a while).
But: I realised that two years ago, had I listened to her video then, I would not have been able to apply what she suggests, to keep the love flowing, in my life.
This for two reasons connected to nervous system regulation, and I feel that is important to say, so people who are trying to keep their hearts open will not beat themselves up if they don’t succeed:
First, if you are disregulated, you cannot keep your heart open because you are busy surviving. Two years ago, so many people were so scared they were either in a sympathetic state (fight/flight - oppose anyone who seems to question the “final solution” to move out of the nightmare (lockdowns, vaccine mandates…)), or in a dorsal state (freeze, depression, unable to move). When in these states of the nervous system, people cannot be curious or inquisitive or review their beliefs - it is biologically impossible. So that is one of the reasons why facts could not change their minds - they were not even able to take them in (in my view people were not “unwilling” as Lauren says, but “unable”). But: while I myself was not scared of the virus, I found myself in these same states - sometimes the one, sometimes the other - because of the increasing closing of society and looming threats of losing jobs or health due to vaccine mandates. When I found myself with family or friends staunchly defending the nonsensical measures, in my eyes they turned into my adversaries as they represented the dominating, crushing state. And for me, that revived childhood experiences - since always I have hated “authorities” telling me what I have to do, be it at school, or in my orchestra, or bosses at work… the list is endless. Today I know that this could already date back to my forceps birth1. But only now, two years and 40-something therapy hours later, I am able to really feel that little girl inside me who is scrambling and going crazy if she feels that someone tries to determine her or tell her she must do something. This is akin to being dominated and crushed, and she will not let that happen, at all costs. So, during Covid times, I was not able to “walk around without fear and without paranoia” (as Lauren describes herself) - every person who would address me on the missing mask would send my little girl scramble and I would either fight or flee, and was not able to keep my heart open.
Second, on the other side of the equation, in polyvagal theory2, in order to regulate down to a safe, calm state again, we need another person who is emanating safety and instilling trust in us so our nervous system can attune with theirs3. So not only was I not able to open my own heart because during lockdowns/mandates I was feeling continuously threatened and was in fight/flight or freeze, but neither could I be the calm, safe person my friends/family would have needed to regulate down to a safe space again so they would have been open to hear me! I was in a Catch-22 situation: the others were disregulated so I could not regulate with them, and vice versa I could not be the anchor they needed4. So this is the beauty in Lauren’s video: when she was able to open her heart and let that love flow to the person she was dealing with, not only was she able to keep herself in a centered, peaceful state, but by this flowing of love and just emanating her calming, trusting energy, the cashier could also down-regulate and the situation could thaw.
And yes: love transcends the need to be right. When we had our children, some 20 years ago, it was hard not fighting with my partner about stupid things like who’s doing the dishes or more important ones as philosophy of child rearing, and then we happened upon the important proverb and tried to apply it whenever we were able to:
At each moment, you can choose whether you want to be right, or whether you want to be in connection. You cannot have both.
And also here, I would like to add to Lauren’s thoughts something I recently learned in my nervous system course: if you’re in a specific state, your thoughts are in line with the state you are in and your are absolutely convinced that they are true. So if you’re in a safe, happy, social state and your friend does not reply to your Whatsapp message, you’ll think “oh, he’s probably very busy, for sure he’ll write later on” and you don’t fret about it. If you’re in a sympathetic, agitated state with a lot of energy flowing in your body (fight/flight), you might think “WTF why does the idiot not reply?” (fight) or “I’d rather not think about why he does not reply, so I’ll switch on Netflix” (flight). Once you’ve landed in a dorsal (frozen) state of depression, you’ll rather think “oh well, didn’t I know it, it’s no use reaching out; I’m not important to people if even he is not replying”.
Meaning - if you’re in a specific nervous system state, the thoughts you think seem very rational and logical and “true” to you and it takes some awareness to step outside and see what thoughts you are having and what nervous system state they indicate (actually, your thoughts can be a signal of the state you are in). And then to help yourself get back to a safe, calm place - either through self-regulation if you’re able to, or by reaching out to someone else to help you down-regulate - before taking big life-decisions (as shouting at your partner or your child, or deciding to quit your job etc.). Actually, I think every time you think “I am right” or “yes, but…” to someone else’s argument, this is a signal to stop and wonder “do I want to be right or do I want to be in connection?” And here, connecting to your heart space and feeling this outpouring of love, for yourself and others around you, can be an important anchor to bring you back to present5.
Thanks for reading along guys :-)
I realise now that my current nervous system course has more impact on my thinking than I thought ;-), although some lessons from my core energetics training also came through.
Wishing you all that you may be held if you need it so you can melt back into your body and feel safe.
If you’re interested in how far your time in the womb or your own birth still impact your daily life, listen to the awesome Anna Verwaal in this podcast from the Trueman show.
If you’re not yet acquainted with nervous system regulation, check out Marielle Spronck’s great online resources (in Dutch): free resources and online course.
By the way, that’s the secret I just really got some weeks ago. If I’m disregulated, no use trying to solve things or address emotional struggles or whatever. It is just no use and better to stop trying. The first thing to do always, when caught in disregulation or in another emotional pattern, is bringing yourself back to presence and safety. I now only realise how futile I was fighting during more than two years while my nervous system was screaming for support to be able to calm down again. Whew.
Unfortunately, I guess that around 90% of people walking around on this earth are disregulated nowadays - meaning they have not learned how to regulate themselves in their childhood and are even not aware they are disregulated, so they are convinced that what they feel is the truth and expect others to follow their lead.
Again, see footnote 3 :-)